If I Had A Million Dollars

by Luigi Kapaj

Do you ever watch those commercials on television? You know the ones for Lotto where they have different people singing the song "If I Had A Million Dollars"? I always thought it was a little cheesy but then I began to wonder what I would really do with a cool million?

First things first, I would do a happy dance. It’s important to get the jitterbugs out of your system before you start spending the dough. Now, it would not quite be a football player in the end zone happy dance. It may be more like a Joe Boxer happy dance.

How to spend the money would be of the utmost concern. Not that I need to spend it just because I have it, but what’s the point of having it if you can’t lose it as fast as possible. Unless I decide to invest it. After all, once you reach a million, it is not nearly enough.

I would buy a new line of ripped up faded blue jeans. Now these would look like the same jeans I get stuck with when I can’t afford to continuously buy new ones. But these would go from ghetto to fashion statement in fifty bucks flat.

I would get a mansion big enough to house my new home entertainment center fully equipped with surround sound so I can hear from all sides of my massage table. Like anyone, I want my MTV, or at least my Cartoon Network.

As a millionaire, because I would be so bold as to use the title. As a millionaire, I would need a new car. Not that there is anything wrong with my Mustang, other than being a leased car I have to give back in two weeks. But there is a 5.0 convertible made just for me out there somewhere.

My diet would need to change. I must go to Paris for fine croissants and Italy for a good plate of spaghetti and meatballs. Also I would return to Beijing for the Beijing Duck. Then I can’t resist going to Mongolia for more Koumiss. What is Koumiss? Just imagine what a nomad drinks out on the steppe when the only thing to ferment is mare’s milk. I may have to eat less American food than I do now, but I would never give up my Fruit Loops. As a rich man, you would think I would eat something like pâté. Let’s just say I would not eat them in a boat, I would not eat them with a goat.

Now if I had a billion dollars, I would splurge. I would run for President and make my campaign song "Crazy". Then I would hold a press conference so the whole world could watch me do my happy dance. Wait, Ross Perot already did that one.

last updated on January 3, 2003

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